May 8 Friday

Recently I discovered that it is possible for me to return to my Christian roots after many years struggling and growing in the foreign soil of Buddhism. It all began in January of this year when I read a book review of Kathleen Norris' book Acedia. Acedia, a kind of spiritual sloth, resonated with me. Then, without looking for it, I came across the book at the library. Ironically, it seems that reading about acedia and especially Norris' battle with it, lifted me up out of my own spiritual doldrums. I went on to read some of her other books and then followed her recommendations which led to Joan Chittister and on to Cynthia Bourgeault and Jim Marion. I am finding a whole world of people following the Wisdom path of Jesus. This is an ancient path with as much depth as any path in Eastern religions as far as I can see.

At the same time my friend and spiritual advisor, Therese Fitzgerald pointed me to a book by Robert A. Johnson, Balancing Heaven and Earth. His is a profound story of his own transformative spiritual journey from a Jungian perspective. Jim and I both read this book. During this same time we found an Episcopal church near us where some people are doing Jungian dream work and a small group of people are looking at the teachings of Jesus from a transformative perspective. This is nothing less than amazing here in Northwest Arkansas. So it seems everything is fitting together. I can't tell you in this short space how rich I feel at this moment. I feel guided in a way that I never have before. If you know me, you know that is not the kind of thing I say very often.

So I am ready to take the next step. I want to meet some of these teachers, get a deeper understanding and deepen my practice. Cynthia Bourgeault is the obvious choice for me since her book Wisdom Jesus has been pivotal in shaping my new practice of Centering Prayer and lectio devina. I Googled looking for a retreat with her and found one in Minnesota, a perfect place. I am originally from Minnesota and have many aunts and uncles there to visit and most importantly that is where my son Pat lives with my only grandchild Kadyn who will be 18 months in July the month of the retreat. How perfect!

The web site info stated that the retreat will be led by Cynthia and a man who I had not heard of. So I Googled his name and was shocked when the first site on the list
was from a group called SNAP, an advocacy group for childhood sexual abuse victims of priests. It said: "Despite being a convicted, admitted and defrocked child molesting Episcopal minister,... leads religious retreats at three Episcopal retreat centers." The abuse apparently took place ten years ago in Texas and he was sentenced to ten years of probation. The site disturbingly reported that he denies full responsibility for the abuse saying it was " a sad misunderstanding."

I discovered the information about six weeks ago and haven't gone any farther with it. In order to look at it all and make a decision about the retreat, I will have to look at some stuff I really don't want to look at. I have my own history of childhood sexual abuse by a man I loved and trusted. God, I have looked at this so many times through the years, do I really need to go there again? I think so. The spiral path of life has come around again. Each time is peeling back another layer of protection, of scar tissue, exposing my true inner softness. How to begin. Perhaps I'll try to e-mail Cynthis Bourgeault and ask her, "What's up with this?"

At the same time I want to start to think of forgiveness. What does it mean? I know it doesn't mean forgetting - but it must mean softening. The opportunities to forgive come around again with the spiral dance of life. Maybe this time.